With every breath i wish...

well its been almost a year since i have updated, crazy shit...

not exactly sure what my deal is right now, im very emotional, and i dont know why....

I've been thinking about her a lot lately, why wont she call? why dosen't she care? am i really that bad of a daughter for her to just stop loving me all together? What did i do?

My mother hasnt called me in over a month. the only reason i have seen her is because i went to Katies first day of school, thats the only reason why....She dosent call, she dosent write, she dosent carfe, i just want to know why? why would you adandon your children like this? it hurts, it really does, i thought i would get used to this feeling, but no, i havnt



the pain is here, and its real, and it sucks....i need a mother, she just dosent understand that, she dosent know how to be a mother to a 20 year old woman. it hurts, and at the moment, it feels like the pain could kill me....

1. It's REALLY not the end of the world when your phone dies for a couple hours.

2. Ramen Noodles, enough said

3. Mom's cooking, is the best, hands down

4. The signs posted everywhere saying "The Road to Recovery Begins in Grand Rapids" is so true...but the words "Begins" is the key word

5. When theres a day of no work and no school, SLEEP!

6. That laundry on the floor, will NOT magically do its'self, like it did sometimes when you lived at home

7. Groceries, are EXPENSIVE!

8. Long Distances relationships, do NOT woek, for me at least...

9. You learn who your true friends are, who is really going to be your sholder to cry on

10. When going to School Part time, I am SOO not Motivated...

11. People there are bitches, and think they can steal your parking spot in the ramp at GRCC...

12. To not wait until the last minute to read 12 chapters in "Children and their Art"

As you read by my title, i am for sure going home. I really don't like it here and it will be the best option for me. I lost my job, my last day will be on November 8th. I didn't get fired or quit, i was just seasonal, i didn't know that until a couple weeks ago. i will be driving once a week to Grand Rapids...not too bad, but it will kinda suck. Oh well see you guys in a coulpe weeks!

Love you guys

Well, i have had the last two days off, and it has been sooo relaxing! Yesterday i basically did nothing, which was again, amazing and today i was gone all day. I went to the mall with my brother, and then went to a different mall wth my friend shaun. hes a cool guy, but wow he has a temper, and is very impatient....lol. good for a friend, but thats it! lol. i miss my james, so much.

i think im going to move back home, but for now, im just trying to enjoy it...enjoy my freedom, and not having to answer to anybody

this entry was pointless most like my others...lol

goodnight

have never had this feeling before, i feel like i could crawl in a corner and just stay there for the rest of my life. For the first time i looked at a boy and said those three little words that mean so much, and yet it dosent feel like he means them when he says them back to me. it kills me, im putting everything i have into this, throwing my already broken heart into something, something that i pray will work, something i thought would last a lifetime, praying that will last a lifetime. who knows what the future will bring, I'm already homesick, and sick of this living sytle, i miss home, i miss my family, i miss my friends, i miss my sister, and most of all i miss him! i just wan to go home, i dont belong here, and i am just now realizing this.

i knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me.

Wow, some things just mae me giggle, i KNOW nobody reads this anymore, becuase i never get comments, but HEY, maybe this is just a mental health thing for me...haha. Anyways, back to the part that makes me giggle. People are just SOOO damn stupid now days. They think when they are a month and a half pregnant that you can tell the sex of the baby, this just proves that they are in fact LYING about being pregnant! I wish she would just leave him alone, and let us BE! but no, that would be too easy! She's jealous, and a BITCH! anyways thats my ranting for the night, and i'm over it.

I am still alive if anyone care, and if you don't then ohh well....


I'm JUST OVER IT!

No more pretending, I AM ME, take it or fucking DON'T!

"Art is Amazing, you are creating something that has never been created before and can never be created again, or duplicated"- Random guy sitting next to me in art class


So i'm loving my childrens art class this semester, it is so much fun, we got to FINGERPAINT last week! it was amazing, and this week we got to cut paper, and make cool little shapes and paste them wherever we wanted...it was good times.

On the other hand my childrens literature class isn't as exciting. MY prof is somewhat of a bitch/prude and its kida annoying. but its kids books so how hard can it be? lol

Other than my classes i have just been working a lot, and keeping busy. I'm starting to really enjoy my job, the people are what make it fun. Theres a older lady i work with, shes 73, and friggin still workin. Shes a fireball, and makes it very fun to work with her. Shes constantly playing jokes on me and messing with me, always calling me the "little devil", its good times.


I'm really liking not living at home, or just in the hole Clio. My eyes have opened so much, i had no idea i would ever get this new outlook on life that i have now. It's amazing, in the short time i have been outhere i have realized so much about myslef that i didnt like, and i
AM changing them. My brther was so right, you have to grow up sometime, and this is my time. I know my family thinks i made a huge mistake by moving out here, but honestly, im not concerned with what my family thinks of my choices anymore. i was so damn concerned with trying to always do the "right thing" and to make everyone else happy, i didnt focus on myself. Don't get me wrong, i still love and respect my family, but not to the point i am going to let them control me anymore. And mom, as far as you thinking im going to get drunk and pregnant,keep thinking that. I have no reason to lie to anybody, i have drank one time since i have been out here in ummm....4 weeks that i ahve lived here (i think). I have had the opportunity to get drunk, a few times actually, and i just wasnt into it like i used to be. And as far as getting prego, well you have to have sex to get prego, and i so havnt done that in a looong time. So no worries mom!

Im a little agverated becasue im trying to do my homewok and my dad calls me, and wants to talk, well im in homework mode, and im on a role. he talks to me for a half hour! i got agverated, and people kept texting me! i think i just need to turn my phone off while attepting to do homwork, i think im gonna try that next time...lol


Its not like anybody reads this anymore, but thats ok, i just felt like blogging i guess....and if you were wondering anything about me, im still alive, and not DRUNK or PREGNANT! hahah


that was me being a smartass....oh well...lol

So i love my new freedom! its been a long time since i have been this happy, i know its more money but its worth it. i start classes on the second and i cant wait! i wanna meet people, and its a big city, so i guess it wont take that long. i found a job in 3 days out here, which is soooo not like at home. i miss my sissy, but other than that im LIVIN IT UP! lol

I'm not sure how many people read this anymore, but I'm posting anyway. I have mae a major decision in my life, I'm moving to Grand Rapids! I will be leaving in about 2-3 weeks and will start classes at Grand Valley Community College in the fall. I'm only going part time tho so i can get used to living on my own. I am very excited! I will be living with my brother and has girlfriend, and will have my own room. The appt he has is amazing! it is soooo nice! it has all new appliances and everything. I am putting my 2 weeks notice in at work tomorrow and can not wait to get outa clio!

well, thats all for now, Love you guys!

today was well, hilarious! it started off kinda rought, i had an eye appt at 10 30. that came early! esperially since i was taking care of my drunk friend all night and had to drivr her car home. i ended up going back to my friend chris's appt at lik 5 in the morning after randi passed out. my eye appt went well, i get new contacts! yay! so i am going on like ehh roughly 4 hours of sleep. anyway, i had a fun day, dan is almost done fixing my car, whooooo! after that i went to hangout with ben, we had a blast. i love just being with him, hes amazing, i wanted to stay and fall asleep by him, but i just had to go home, and sleep in my own bed, you guys know how that is. Well sean had a HUGE party tonight and i wanted to stop by and make sure everything was going ok. so i did and as soon as i walked in the door everybody started offering me drinks, heres the bast part guys, i didnt take any of them! i am so over the whole drinking thing! i just dnt wanna do it anymore, im over it. i had a chance to drink with randi last night too, and i just didnt want to! its way more fun making fun of all the drunk people when they are right in front of your face! ohh man, its hilarious! ok, this is the best part of today, me, taylor, ben and nick go to get in the car to go to mrdonalds to get som food. well nick and taylor have a little girl, her name is jaylynn, shes adorable! and shes not even 2 yet. well im walking to the van with ben and jaylynn runs around the grass and picks up a stick! she starts running full forse towards taylor with the stick pointed out. she ends up running into tayor and th stick pokes her right in the crotch! omg, i havent laughed that hard in a looong time. the look on taylors face was priceless! im still laughing about it actually! holy crap, that was the highlight of my day, ok im done rambling...lol ttyl

so this week has been semi stressful semi laidback,if you can understand that!?!? lol. my lead teacher a work has been on vacation, which makes me in charge! like i said its kinda nice, but kinda stressful! wehave a really strict schedule that we have to follow and im kinda having a hard time with it. Monday for art was supposted to be water baloons! well it found out that i couldnt find sink at the center that would allow me to fill up the water balons that my lead bought. no biggie, just take them home and do them, well i forgot, and now its thursday night, i also forgot until about an hour ago. i took my happy butt up to walmart and bought water baloons and filled them at like 11 at night! hahah now im home, and cant sleep.

other than work, i have been amazing this week! i realized that i went through a depressionfor like a month and a half. you all know i moved in with my mom at the end of april. that killed me to leave my dad, i mean come on, i AM a daddys girl! i missed him, and i knew it. what my problem was it that i avoided thnking about it. that is a VERY inmature way to handle things, and i realize that now. i was with my dad all of last sunday and he asked me to stay the night sunday night, i told him no cuz all my work atuff was at my moms. i got in the jeep and lost it! i had a huge break down and realized that i avoided thinking abut my dad, which is like i saod very inmature. so i got my stuff from my moms and went back and stayed with dad for a couple days! im tellin all of you something, i have never been this happy in all of my life! i am FINIALLY at peace with both of my parents! this feeling is so amazing! as some of you know it has always beena a srtugle with both of my parents, and now i am happy!

another reason why i think i was depressed is becasue i wasnt used to working so much. 40 hours in 5 days is a lot, and it took some getting used to. but now, im used to it and kinda enjoying it.

another reason why im happy, remember milk boy from walmart? well im dating him again! this time, i have fallen for him hard. i think before i didnt really want a relationship and i didnt put anything into it, thats why i got nothing out of it. im ready this time, and im putting my heart into it. i have something to look foward to when i get outa work now, not just going home and doing nothing like a always used to, Now all i ave to do is get my bills paid and get my cat fixed then i will be a happy camper!

oh and also im serious about loosing some weight this summer, ben and i were talking about this earlier, and it truely hurt my feelings. he wants me to feel better about myslef, and so do i!!! he told me im amazing for who i am, and he dosent want me to change for him, he wants me to change for me! he didnt tell me to loose weight, its just something i should think about and hes right! i want to fell good, not tired all the time, its time for a change, a good permant change! and im ready for it! ready to take whatever god is going to throw at me this time, im ready to never give up!

i love you guys!

ttyl, i gatta be up early!

well mom and dave gave me some good news, they are going to pay for the intake gasket on my car! YAY! i just he to pay the other 50 bucks, which is nothing...im very thankful!

work was great today, i have learned how to deal with my boss, and not let her get under my skin. Also, the kids are starting to get attached to me, and the feeling is mutual. I'ts hard not to fall in love with kids who you spend 8 hours a day with.

I had a blast today, i was with chris like all afternoon. We ended up getting lost in Vassar, which was a blast! I almost starved to death (yeah right...lol) so we stopped at and IGA kinda by jon's house. I had my heart set on a sandwitch so thats what we bought, bread, mustard, and turkey! lol we were getting some of the funniest looks from people making samiches driving down the road..oh good times, i havnt laughed that hard in a long time.

oh another funny thing is im driving my dads 1986 jeep, cause as most of you know my car isnt running at the moment...lol. i actually like driving it, its a major gas hog but other than that i loke it! i was a dumbass and left the lights on this morning at work and had to get a jump from another lady...lol funny stuff i just laughed it off, the other girls thought it was funny too!

im out! lol

for some weird reason i feel better...i have no idea why....i couldnt tell yah....

This weekend was great up until now...im in one of the worst moods i have ever been in...in my life...dan seems to think that my head gasket in my car is blown....which is very expersive, and takes hours upon hours to do. Thank god he is only hoing to change me a hundred dollars to do it, and he said the parts shouldnt be more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty to get. but UGH, i am sooo agverated right now, i knew it was going to be more than just a ten dollar part! but im taking it up to muffler man tomorrow to have one of daves friends look at it..and im teriffied, i just know they are gonna tell me that its screwed up. UGH....im mad...

well work kinda sucked today, as usual...lol. But like i said before, im getting used to it...lol. I'm just kinda chillin at home tonight, which is nice. I realized now that i miss some of my old friends, BAD! for example: Hannah I'm looking at her myspace bulletins and i'm literally in tears! someone in her family died, and i'm not there for her! I remember when my cousin died, she was my sholder to cry on, and she was there...i just miss her more than words can describe, she literally was my other half! we were alike in so many ways, it just hurts no bad to not have her in my life. I am a firm believer that people change, but i dont know, i know shes not the same, but when things get shitty she was always there for me, and i feel like hit not being there for her, almost like im not doing my job as a freind. i dunno, its just a feeling that i have. i think i might call her, just for moral support, or i even thought about finding out who died and where the funeral is and just showing up there unexpected....just an idea...well im done, im in tears now...later lovers!

I look back at old pictures, i just get tears in my eyes, i KNOW it wont ever be the same, it CANT ever be the same...i hate this...

watch this!!

its funny!



http://fun.drno.de/flash/rocky_is_back.swf